chocolate

i fear i brush death off too easily. i've had two near death experiences in as many days. neither of which were very interesting or buzz-worthy. but they were without at doubt moments where i was on the brink of destruction.

the first was during work. we were surveying a barge carrying fertilizer. the cargo was 95% unloaded, so the cargo hopper was very empty. generally these barges are about 20 feet deep, but because it was a fertilizer barge, the tank was larger. i would estimate it was about 35 feet. i opened the hopper cover hatch, and as i did, my coworker opened it further. i had the majority of my weight on the door, because i hadn't opened it all the way yet. i felt my weight briefly swing forward over the gaping hole, before i somehow managed to find my balance. keny saw this obvious moment of distress, laughed, commented on how i would've surely died had i fallen, and that was that. nothing else was said.

the second happened a few minutes ago, in my kitchen. i was making dinner and eating a chocolate wafer bar. a piece of the cookie got lodged in my throat, my eyes watered up, and i started choking. without breath and not a soul in sight, i started pounding my chest, trying to swallow, and finally hit my chest against my counter, and freed up the cookie. after getting a drink of water, blowing my nose and coughing for a bit. i went back to making myself dinner.

i don't know if this apathetic attitude towards danger and death is a gift or a curse. on one hand, it makes my job much easier. but on the other, its very irresponsible in regards to the people in my life, many of whom i care for a great deal. old friends and new friends alike, i don't want to lose them, and i don't want them to lose me.

i suppose what i'm getting at is this: is it right for me to put my life on the line on almost a daily basis purely for money? soldiers do it to defend their country (debatable) firefighters and police officers do it to protect their neighborhood (also debatable). don't get me wrong, i love the excitement and the privilege of doing something few are capable of doing, but there are times when i feel selfish again, and it saddens me in some small way. there are plenty of other people who have equally dangerous jobs (coal miners, crab fishers, etc) but i don't know if i can relate to them because they aren't fully submersed in water.

i'm the happiest i've been in a long time. i'm willing to bet much of that has to do with how well things are going for me lately. finally got a vacation, i've got a promotion slowly developing, relationships are blossoming.

i'm happy, and i don't want to die. but i guess there isn't much you can do to avoid it aside from drinking milk shakes and living in a bubble.