train station

i wrote this almost exactly 2 years ago while i was at a train station in michigan. i did not know i was moving to new orleans at that time. so many things have changed in my life physically, but it is surprising how true all of the mental aspects still are. i am motivated now more than ever to make positive changes in my life.



all the movement of the world makes me really enjoy the stillness of certain moments in my past. moments i had before disregarded as boredom or inactivity. i think if i could go back to those moments, i would really appreciate the slow, relaxed attitude i once carried in my soul. these days my life is relentless movement. work, travel, work. lather rinse repeat. its not a bad thing. my body was made for work. my consciousness designed for labor and stress. its overwhelming at times, often maddening the way my peers give no quarter for rest. but it is the life i chose, and we must lie in the bed we've made. that being said, there is a very special girl in my life right now. one i have cherished for around a year and a half. she has stood by my side through thick and thin. tough and easy. reaped the benefits and endured the burn of my lifestyle. as hard as i push myself to endure and perservere, it often seems like i push her even harder. she usually does so with grace and poise, but in her moments of doubt, she is a tempest of emotion. raging like a hurricane, feared by all but felt by few. our love is a ship, and her beauty is my north star, my guiding light. i love her from bow to stern. keel to mast, port to starboard. all the movement of the world makes me really enjoy the stillness of certain moments in my past. like laying in bed with her. loving her. cherishing her.

vision quest

It’s been close to a year since my last entry. I feel much different now compared to then. Although I am still very young, I feel old. Old enough almost to be useless. My tendencies and habits are routine and mundane. Never spontaneous or exciting. I actually HAVE a routine. I long for the free days of my youth driving aimlessly with great friends listening to good music and enjoying a warm summer night. I feel broken. Not in the sense of tired or weary. I feel my spirit has broken. I have lost sight of my boyhood dreams and loves, and accepted into my life mediocrity and foolish compromise. I have accepted the human condition, one of self-loathing and suffering and grief and strife. None of these struggles are being caused by true adversity, but by the daily annoyances that elongate an already endless existence. Ideas I once found glorious and altruistic have now been sullied by the depression of other lives. I want to return home, but cannot. I want to speak my mind, but won’t. So I do it here, in the safety of my own mind. I dream and plan for things that will never happen, for nights that will never come. When can I come home again? When can I become whole again?

I despise my surroundings. The constant uphill battle to find strength and hope for humanity is taking its toll on my soul. I hate that I have become so empty minded and bitter. Like the world has hardened me with disappointment and regret.

The sole shining brightness in my life is distant and often cold. I feel its warmth, but sometimes even it is not enough to sustain my thirst. My love has sustained me for so long. And I have relished in the joy of being in love. But I need more now. I need change. I need freedom. I am trapped in a world of unlimited time, and yet I have no place to go, no goals to accomplish. I have already accomplished them. I am independent. I have a job. I work when called upon, and uphold my end of society’s expectations.

How do you cure the human condition? Many would argue religion and god are the answer. Many more would argue that drugs and chemicals and alcohol and addiction are the answer; distractions from the ugliness of life itself. Many more still would argue that the true escape from life’s great mystery is to solve the mystery with science and knowledge and insight. I feel I have experienced all these to a certain point, to no avail. I have heard the teachings of religion, escaped my own mind with drugs, tried desperately to steel my mind with knowledge and wisdom. Each path has led to nothing. Is that where life leads? Nothingness? Are we all destined to end in a hole in the ground? Nothing more than a few kind words below our name on a slab of rock? Have we not labored and toiled and suffered through so much in human history to have a better understanding of our existence? And yet, we cling to ancient traditions. Boil down each and every word of evangelical text to a point of meaningless rhetoric. And we argue. God do we argue. For what? No one wins in the end. We finish a disagreement by agreeing to disagree. Whether it’s in a civilized fashion, or a spiteful one, most leave feeling generally the same about life.

My wish is that I could make a living being happy. I thought I found a lifestyle that would bring me happiness. It has brought me many good things. I have learned so much from so many people. Learned so much about myself and others. But it all brings me to this point. Why am I doing this? Why am I pushing so hard against myself to accomplish something so pointless? To pay a debt? To make my way? Cavemen made their way by fighting the wild and each other. To this day we still battle the forces of nature and attack and kill each other. The only thing, since the beginning of time, that has changed, is our clothes. We go about things in a different fashion than what was once deemed acceptable, but have we truly evolved? I think not. I think we’re no different than the Neanderthals of the beginning of mankind. Just a collection of cells overrating themselves.

Some days I wonder why I even bother. If I should just say fuck the world and do as I please? Forgo the pleasantries and niceties and take care of myself. Abandon caution and wisdom and take what I want and leave what I don’t need. Sometimes I hope the apocalypse does come in December, just so I can justify being reckless and foolhardy. What if it did come? I wonder if even then I would bother to struggle to survive. If my survival instincts truly would kick in. Or would I just roll over and enable the inevitable? Each seems just as likely. When the end came, I could just as easily realize what I wanted to abandon I now cling to. And I could give myself a valid excuse to indulge the urges of insanity and instability. Feed my madness and collapse into oblivion with the rest of the world. Either path, the universe would continue onward. Never slowing down or speeding up. A straight line towards its own destruction. One I imagine to be much more fantastic and volatile. And all the while an infinitesimal speck of life calls itself the top of the food chain, deems its planet the virtual center of the universe, and celebrates Snooki’s and Justin Biebers across the globe. Even as I write, I am feeding the machine. I am feeding the pop culture narcissism with a simple outlet of thoughts and feelings. No one cares about this. People do care, but what does it matter? What does it REALLY matter? Someone complimenting my writing skills doesn’t change the fact that I’m slowly dying a boring, incomprehensibly dull death. If there was a scale for the excitement of a person’s death, mine would be a 1, ranking just above a person literally trapped in a bubble their entire life. And I’ve got no excuse like immune system deficiency. I am free. I am healthy. I have every tool I need to do whatever I want. And still, I hesitate and bicker with myself. Weighing the pros and cons of an overall meaningless decision. Regardless of where I am, what I’m doing, and who I want to be, I WILL end up in the same place every other human being ends up.

We’re all just dead people who haven’t died yet. And if there is an afterlife, how much will it matter what we did in this world?

But my dilemma remains. What am I doing here? Not here as in this world. Here as in here. Paducah Kentucky, wasting the best years of my life doing something meaningless to the world. My friends, family, they miss me. I can sense they want me home, and I want to be with them. My coworkers and acquaintances couldn’t give two shits about me. Many I’m sure don’t even like me. But still I sit. Still I await phone calls that never come. I prepare for situations that never occur I dream and plan for things that will never happen, for nights that will never come.

Forgive the arcane entry, it’s late and I haven’t done a thing worth talking about in months. Do not mistake any of this for suicidal thoughts. It is not death I am craving, it is life. True, wholesome, meaningful life.

picture frame

i am at peace now more than i have ever been. my life is almost at a stand still its so satisfying. i felt picture frame was a perfect title for this entry, because if there was ever a period of my life i would want captured in a photograph forever, it would be now.

i have met the love of my life. yes, its soon. and yes, i'm young. but i witnessed love first hand at the wedding of two of my very close friends (congrats again adrianna and tyler mcgeehan!) and they are no older than i. they always say "when you know, you know." well, i know. i know that melissa is the girl i've always dreamed of, but never thought existed. the girl my heart has wanted and needed for all my life. not to get all gushy and lovestruck, but i doubt i'll be with any other girl, regardless of what happens to us. no one else will suffice.

my grandfather a few years ago asked me a strange question that it has suddenly donned on my as logical. he posed the question "when a picture or file is deleted from a computer, or the internet or wherever, is it gone forever?" he asked me specifically, feeling that i being the youngest adult in the family, could answer the question maturely and truthfully. but i failed miserably and blabbered my way through the conversation, confused and slightly annoyed by his antique thought process.

but now, at this very moment, i see it clear as day. the answer to the question is undoubtedly no. those pictures, deleted or not, will forever exist, because they are in us, and we are in them. the memories of those moments, visible in a picture or not, will never leave us. they may be logged in the very corners of our brains for many years, but one little molecule can spark a spring of memories. a simple scent can reignite images of some magical evening, or a single word can bring vivid detail to a long lost conversation of laughter and joy. i hope all who read this will someday smell that scent, or hear that word, and remember a once treasured memory.

i now sit and ponder if my grandfather, the only person wiser than my actual father, meant this question in such a deep and arcane way? no doubt he desired more than a confused and mundane answer like the one i gave him.

after an amazing weekend with the love of my life, i formed memories i will never forget. there is a connection between us i have never felt with anyone in my life, and i'm addicted to it. she has the power to shatter me to pieces with her smile. i joked and teased melissa because we spent 4 days without leaving each others side, and yet we had only a handful of pictures. she always pulls my leg because often times i can't even remember what i had for breakfast my memory is so  bad. but i know without a doubt, i will never forget the time we spent together.

i believe i've talked about memories before, but up until this point, i feel like all my memories are dull in comparison to her. i've never been flooded with such love and happiness, and to see me know, you would see it glowing from me. friends and family give thanks for my long awaited satisfaction, and so do i.

don't ever forget those who love you. they are all we have in this world when it comes down to it. no amount of money or hard work can ever bring you the pure euphoria that someone special can. and in the end, when you take your last breath, to paraphrase "meet joe black"...

...i hope you have some beautiful pictures to take with you to the other side.

epitaph

so fitting it was for this past weekend to be memorial day weekend. no word other than memorable could describe it.

the air in my life is thick with love and happiness. summertime has always brought good things to my life, and i'm grateful for it. two of my very special friends were bound by marriage this weekend. a beautiful ceremony followed by a happy, carefree reception. adrianna and tyler, thank you so much for making me a part of your lives now joined. i hope to be a part of it for many years to come.

the heat is overwhelming in memphis. but i find a strange comfort in it. its a bit arcane, but it feels like a metaphor for my current state of affairs. the heat, like the clear-cut emotion and love i feel, engulfs me at all waking moments. i cannot escape it, nor do i want to escape it after the long and harsh winter, something akin to my years of soulful solitude i've suffered through. someone has sent me a gift of light, strong and undeniable, and i am incapable of ignoring it. i have no reason or desire to ignore it. she is worth everything i have and more. i don't know if i put my heart through winter, or if it was merely another season in my life. but i am glad its summer, and i am glad the sun shines brightly in my life.

my friends all seem equally satisfied with my happiness, and that only brings me more joy. to know that those who love you are happy and proud of the person you have become is a truly gratifying gift. it also brings me joy to those i love being given back all the love and work they put into the world. 

my heartache and conflicted mind have calmed. i feel as if i'm right where i should be in my life. even if i'm not close to the ones of love, and the people i work with may be false friends, if things had turned out differently in that aspect, then perhaps things would have turned out differently in my heart as well. and nothing would be worse than that.

any thoughts on fate? because i think i'm starting to become a believer. the smallest actions and words seem to have the biggest results. what if you hadn't said this? what if you had said it? would you be the person you are now? would you be WITH the person you're with now? would you even be here?

maybe everything does happen for a reason

chocolate

i fear i brush death off too easily. i've had two near death experiences in as many days. neither of which were very interesting or buzz-worthy. but they were without at doubt moments where i was on the brink of destruction.

the first was during work. we were surveying a barge carrying fertilizer. the cargo was 95% unloaded, so the cargo hopper was very empty. generally these barges are about 20 feet deep, but because it was a fertilizer barge, the tank was larger. i would estimate it was about 35 feet. i opened the hopper cover hatch, and as i did, my coworker opened it further. i had the majority of my weight on the door, because i hadn't opened it all the way yet. i felt my weight briefly swing forward over the gaping hole, before i somehow managed to find my balance. keny saw this obvious moment of distress, laughed, commented on how i would've surely died had i fallen, and that was that. nothing else was said.

the second happened a few minutes ago, in my kitchen. i was making dinner and eating a chocolate wafer bar. a piece of the cookie got lodged in my throat, my eyes watered up, and i started choking. without breath and not a soul in sight, i started pounding my chest, trying to swallow, and finally hit my chest against my counter, and freed up the cookie. after getting a drink of water, blowing my nose and coughing for a bit. i went back to making myself dinner.

i don't know if this apathetic attitude towards danger and death is a gift or a curse. on one hand, it makes my job much easier. but on the other, its very irresponsible in regards to the people in my life, many of whom i care for a great deal. old friends and new friends alike, i don't want to lose them, and i don't want them to lose me.

i suppose what i'm getting at is this: is it right for me to put my life on the line on almost a daily basis purely for money? soldiers do it to defend their country (debatable) firefighters and police officers do it to protect their neighborhood (also debatable). don't get me wrong, i love the excitement and the privilege of doing something few are capable of doing, but there are times when i feel selfish again, and it saddens me in some small way. there are plenty of other people who have equally dangerous jobs (coal miners, crab fishers, etc) but i don't know if i can relate to them because they aren't fully submersed in water.

i'm the happiest i've been in a long time. i'm willing to bet much of that has to do with how well things are going for me lately. finally got a vacation, i've got a promotion slowly developing, relationships are blossoming.

i'm happy, and i don't want to die. but i guess there isn't much you can do to avoid it aside from drinking milk shakes and living in a bubble.

sheets

why are people afraid of change? change in themselves, change in lifestyle, change in anything really. obviously i'm not talking about changing your bread from white to wheat, or switching from white socks to black socks. i mean changing how you perceive things in life, or changing your ideologies. change isn't always a bad thing, but it is inevitable. whether its change for the better or for the worse is entirely up to you and God, if you believe in that sort of thing.

i personally have become fond of the free will/prime mover theory. that being, a higher power exists and was the start of life in the universe, but does not hold dominion over our life choices or the consequences that follow. there is no silver bearded man pulling strings and shouting orders to his winged servants. i do believe there is an afterlife, but i couldn't tell you what it is, what its like, or how you get there.

everyone changes. some grow and mature and become better human beings. others may lose sight of who they once were, and the change becomes something volatile, something unhealthy. i fear these changes, but i do not fight them. each day we grow, making mistakes and learning from them. i feel like its only when we fight change, that we are bound to the destructive capacity it carries with it. and i have seen the change. in myself, in my friends, and in the world. but the fear remains. 40% of the country lives in or near the city/town they grew up in. 40% of the most powerful and spoiled country in the world is scared to leave their hometown. i fear i may offend most of my readers since most are my friends and live within an hour of home, but moving to memphis has really put into perspective how small owosso really is.

in owosso, i was a different person. a majority of the change in me has been introversion. i was a very outgoing and charismatic person in owosso. why? because i knew everyone, and everyone knew me. or at the very least, i knew someone that a new acquaintance knew, and so we had a common ground. in memphis? i know absolutely no one. i am connected to absolutely no one. i have common ground with no one. my life is consumed by work, and to be honest, i'm no longer bothered by that. i've become comfortable with my pathetic, introverted lifestyle. that is something i never thought would happen. 

don't get me wrong, i don't have a problem talking to strangers. generally, people here in the south are friendlier than any stranger i ever encountered in michigan. but i rarely initiate conversation. and perhaps thats the northerner in me. we peddle about our lives clinging to the people and life we're comfortable with, so why would we talk to strangers? because our parents told us not to? be serious. most strangers have no intention of throwing you in a van and taking you to an abandon warehouse to mug and rape you. most strangers are going about their daily lives just like you, and are simply trying to keep things light by talking to you in the supermarket, or at the gas station buying cigarettes.

my perception on the world is almost reversed from what it once was. there was a time that i had hope for humanity, that i felt our intelligence and technology was a gift that would help us grow as a species. i am now apathetic towards intelligence and technology (as i blog from my laptop >.<) seeing that it is more a burden than ever. but i have more hope for human compassion than i once did. not amongst people like charlie sheen or lindsay lohan. perhaps it has something to do with someone i've met since starting my adult life. someone who puts the well being of others before their own. that is something i truly admire, and i hope is never lost.

an HBO adaptation of the play "the sunset limited" by Cormac McCarthy recently debuted, and i think anyone that has any interest in philosophical debate should watch that film to get them thinking. in it, a suicidal professor who has come to the realization that everything he held dear (music, art, culture, knowledge) has become frail and corrupt. opposite him is an ex-con uneducated janitor (played by tommy lee jones and samuel l jackson respectively) who is a firm and devout evangelist. the back and forth discussion takes place entirely in black's grimy apartment, which white is very noticeable uncomfortable in. i felt this to be a believable depiction of the differences between economic and religious ways of life.

now i don't see intelligence as something thats ruining the world (although i could argue that humanity's unending quest for knowledge has turned many people into complete and utter assholes), but rather that as we become more evolved and powerful, all we want is more power. 

change is unavoidable, because mistakes are unavoidable. i'm not defined by my mistakes, i define what my mistakes are.

aeroplane

its still surreal that i'm actually coming home. i feel like it really is a vacation, because i'm headed somewhere i'm no longer familiar with. seeing people i'm no longer familiar with. what if everything is awkward and different? will we still keep in touch?

a small sample of the music i've been listening to lately would immediately clue you in to how i feel.
kings of leon - nostalgic
mumford & sons - companion-less
lupe fiasco - untouchable (lasers for album of the year?)
random techno mix - energetic
again, thats a small sample. attempting to describe the ocean of emotions and desires that swirl in my head is too complex.

my daily routine hasn't deviated much since moving to memphis. i go to the gym more often, and i'm slowly connecting more with my coworkers. but i sense that i will never have the same connections that i had when i was young. the friends i had in highschool feel like distant acquaintances these days.

memphis is my home now, and michigan is my getaway.